As a business owner and mother, I find myself in a leadership position over my children and my employees daily. This is a responsibility I avoided for years. After marriage, we waited ten years to have children. Before starting my own business, I sought out jobs that wouldn’t require interaction with people or any responsibility over others.
Yet, during those years I found myself time and time again in roles of responsibility and leadership. Constantly interacting with people and unable to hide in an office cubicle. Even then God was working on the leadership abilities He had given me. He also continued during that time to work on improving my character. As for the children we waited so long to have? He uses them every day to “grow me up” into the person He has created me to be.
I still continue to struggle with my own selfish nature in the roles He has placed me in. Though born with leadership abilities, leading people well does not come naturally to me. I still want to quit daily. Yet, He patiently leads me and guides me in this role He has called me to. The role of caring for the flock He has placed in my life.
“Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God.” (1 Pet 5:2)
I want to be eager to serve the Lord in watching over the flock He has assigned to me, but I am not. Most of the time I feel like I am doing a terrible job and hopeless in my abilities to even want to serve them well. In my life, my flock is my family and my employees.
I am married with two children, a boy, and a girl. We also have a cat and a puppy that is a recent addition to our family. I am in my eighth year of owning a business. At the business, my flock is my team of five women, one full-time employee, and four part-time employees. Some come from good situations, but many do not. I have learned over the years that many that come to work with me have heartache in their past or current lives.
Sadly, I do not feel like I have the heart to serve them well. It is my prayer that the Lord will give me a servant’s heart for this. Though, the thought of this makes me very uncomfortable, in God’s patient way He brings me back to the verses about having a servant’s heart every so often. “Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.” (Mark 10:43-44 NIV).
Why do I struggle with it so much? I think I know some of the reasons that He has shown me over time. One thing I fear is that I will have to do something I really don’t want to do. That God is going to ask some terrible, miserable request of me and it will be utterly awful (cue the melodramatic music). Yet, this is not true, His word says He has plans for me. Plans for a hope and a future. He has plans for good, not bad. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jer 29:11)
For me, some of the fears of being forced into doing something is rooted in my not feeling seen or heard during much of my childhood. I have had unforgiveness surrounding this for years. It has affected how I parent and “boss” my employees. I know this isn’t God’s plan, yet I struggle to let go of grudges.
I can see the roots of unforgiveness in my life weaving their way into my behavior today. That means when I am acting out of fear in my behaviors, I am not acting out of God’s love. I am living a life led by fear, rather than a life led by God. I don’t want to do this anymore. Not only for me but for the flock God has placed in my care.
Letting go of all our fears in order to have a life guided by God can seem impossible. But, Jesus says, “…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matt 19:26) God has proved faithful to this verse in so many areas of my life. Yet, I still struggle to believe He can break this pattern in my life at times.
Since He has placed us in the care of the flocks in our lives we can be confident He will be our strength in our weakness. (2 Cor 12:9). He will also be faithful to complete the good work He has started in us. (Phil 1:6). He will surely be faithful to equip us to lead them. (Heb 13:20-21).
“Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” (Heb 13:20-21).